I was on this date with Karen over the summer. It was our third date and I thought I’d surprise her with a picnic. It was beautiful weather and we sat there lounging for several hours just talking and canoodling like little kids.

Somehow, the conversation turned to dating and men. Not sure how considering the amount of canoodling going on. What can I say, she was a great kisser. But anyway, I started talking about the three types of guys that I thought you would most likely find in the dating world. At least in the context of taking charge and being a leader.  What can I say, after spending several hours with me, it was only natural that I start to pontificate. But I think she was mildy entertained by my pontifications.  Because really, how many other guys can get away with this level of thinking on a third date, no less?

Here are the three types of men in the context of leadership in a romantic capacity:

Natural Leader- This guy always knows when to take charge and lead a woman. He’s just a natural at it. He comes off as suave and charismatic. There are only so many of them out there. It’s hard to quantify, but there are only so many of this type.

Learned Leader- This guy has potential. He’s not a natural born leader, but he isn’t the next category either. He has certain innate traits and with time and patience, he can become a natural leader. Sometimes, he comes off as a bit rough on the edges and other times, he can be smooth. In a relationship capacity, he can lead but also knows when to be lead by his woman.

Follower- He’ll never be a leader. He’s always used to following. This can mean disaster in a relationship context because he’ll never know when to “man up”, as they say. It’s the woman who will always wear the pants and that ain’t good.

As I continued my diatribe with Karen, I started talking about the importance of conveying leadership in a relationship context. At least, I think I did. Either that, or we started canoodling again. But just in case I didn’t, here is how I would’ve expanded the topic:

It’s important for men to know how and when to lead their woman. That’s one of the qualities that women want when they say they want a man and not a boy. It’s attractive. Though, the feminist movement started more than 30 years ago, this  is still considered a short time span in the evolution of women. Unlike men, women aren’t necessarily given the same opportunities to be in positions of leadership from the beginning. They often have to fight for it. Because of this handicap, women are still used to wanting their man to lead. It’s this whole nature versus nurture thing, ya know.

With leadership, can come many permutations of what can happen next depending on the personality of the woman. Is she an alpha female? Because that can make it tough for any guy to lead. Is she docile to a fault? Because you don’t always want a blind follower.  Does she not know how to follow? Because you can’t lead if she can’t follow. Or is she just right? That depends on the dynamics of your relationship with each other.

Point being? While it’s okay to ask for a man to know how to lead, a woman must also know when to be lead and when to lead herself. I think this is where they call it a partnership, ya know.

So what are some ways a man can learn to lead? Here are a few ways:

• Take the initiative in asking her out and show some flare in the process.
• Be the first to kiss her without being timid
• Don’t ask her where she wants to go. Or at least, don’t give her a gazillion options. I prefer to give two at most. Alot of women still find it attractive to “taken out”.
• Be vocal and steadfast in your beliefs even if she fights you to death on it (Yeah, I know, that can be tough with some women and they test you like crazy)
• Learn to listen to her. Decisions still need to be made and you could be right, but at least listen
• Paint a picture of the future. Where are we gonna be in 1, 5, 10 years down the road? Like the bible says, “Without vision, the people will perish.”

Ultimately, a leader in a romantic context is no different than that in a business context. Most effective leaders are:

• Good listeners
• Take charge
• Charismatic
• Command respect
• Assertive
• Confident
• Accepts personal responsibility
• Inspires his followers
• Visionary

Are you a leader?

What is irony? Irony is when the toughest people in the world are also sometimes the most sensitive in the world. That’s irony.

I would never ask anything of you that I myself cannot give back in return. I can only meet you halfway. I’ve tried so hard to the point that I can no longer try any harder and have to walk away.

A man works until his dreams are in flight
A man believes until his dreams can power his will and might.

He dreams and looks into the stars for a better life.
He dreams about a life that goes beyond the strife.

His life continues until he dreams no more.
His life is found amongst the ashes it was made for.

These are the words etched in stone or so it seems.
The finality becomes the beginning and this is when Dean dreams.

For 2 hours, I can do what I want against whoever I want. It’s where I can let out my pent up anger that I keep bottled up during the course of the day or the week. Any hurt, frustration, or dissapointment I’ve incurred gets let out here.

When I have that ball in my hand, I feel the power that may have been taken away from me from someone else. I know when my defender is weak against me. I know when I see vulnerability. That’s the opportunity that I’m looking for. That’s when I attack and make him pay. To make him regret taking me on.  I want to let you know that my day was tougher than yours and I’m going to show you by exerting my will on you. I want you to know that you were wrong for prejudging me and I’m going to make you pay by blowing right past you.

When I bring that ball up court, I’m the leader on the floor. That’s my mindset. I direct traffic. I’m the general. I’m in charge. You want me, come get me.

The more aggressive my defender becomes, the more aggressive I become.  I want that ball in my hand as much as possible. It’s when my feet are dancing and I’m herky jerky against the defender that I know I am at my best and he can’t stop me. I see weakness in his defensive stance because he can’t figure out which direction I’m going. I got him.

When he goes straight up against me, I make the decision to go straight at him. If he defends me too tight, I make him pay with a spin move. Whatever it takes to let him know that this moment is mine and he won’t take it away from me. I need it more than he does.

This is where I go to find my solace. To find peace away from all the daily distractions and frustration I have with people. It’s my two hours away from any hurt I’ve incurred. This is my refuge from the world.

It’s just you and me
Walking the streets without any real care
Hand in hand while we dare
Dare each other to air those emotions
That we’ve been keeping in motion

Just one of those nights
We’ll go the extra mile for each other, for another
Let’s keep this going,
Knowing that we don’t owe each other
Yeah, that’s right
Just one of those nights that we won’t be denying, never fighting
Cause it’s tonight, tonight

The lyrics contains a mashup of feelings…what it’s like trying to express that love inside and trying to let it out, trying to let her know about it, and how tough it is to keep it inside until it ultimately has to come out.

Partly inspired by Jennifer Hudson’s ability to sing ‘Spotlight’. She has such a strong voice. Below is  video of Marie Hui who sings the song. That ability to belt out the tunes starting at the 3.00 minute mark is the sort of feelings I’m trying to encapsulate. Please let me know what you think…always appreciate the feedback.

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From the very first time we laid eyes
There was something there that I won’t deny
Not something I could rid of
Not something I wanted to sweep away
Baby, that night I let you have your way

Now here I am, left with something of urge
I can’t fight this off
Gone 6 rounds and it’s almost lights out
Can’t go no more, cuz I’m just ready to shout

This, this something inside
These feelings, these feelings are my own
Only accepting it and something that I’m wanting shown

It’s bursting out and wanting to sing
It’s wanting to come out and not feel like dying
Welcome, cuz this is my love rioting

No one can keep this locked up
Maximum security won’t keep this inside
Please just accept it and don’t deny
That this is just my love rioting

Oh can’t you see what I see
Come on in cuz I’ve got this opening
All I got is this one-heart vacancy
It’s all for just you and me

I can’t run, I can’t flee
From these feelings raging all inside me
Baby, I’ve got it inside cuz I’m a fighter
So don’t be resisting cuz I don’t tire

6 more rounds I’m ready for more
To convince you that this love ain’t dying
6 more rounds I got for fighting
It’s all inside, it’s all my love rioting

I think we often see the end result, but we never see the journey itself. A little unknown fact about me is that I rebuilt an entire new network starting 3 years ago. Like some of you, I only had several friends left. And even with them, I felt like we were going in different directions. Thus began a personal journey for me to rebuild an entirely new network. When you think about it, that’s very scary. It’s not like we’re still in college and have ample opportunities to meet others within the same demographics. Things are alot tougher when you’re in the real world, as they say.

I don’t believe success in anything is ever by luck. It can come through a conscious deliberative effort. The following is a collection of things that I’ve done over the past several years to help me get where I am today.

Summer is gone and Fall is here. For many, it’s back to school or back to business. For me, this time of the year means we’re in the final stretch. It’s the fourth quarter. It’s the time I use to hunker down and focus on finishing the year with a bang, professionally and socially. A big part of ending the year with a bang is focusing on the relationships that matter the most. This means sustaining current ones but also building new ones.

Why did I write this?

I have several reasons why I wrote this:

1. It’s been in my head for at least a year and only now am I inspired enough to write it.
2. To offer inspiration and direction to anyone who wants to build or rebuild a social network. It is often said that in a crowded room is alot of lonely spirits. I live in a city where many people put up walls and barriers. Basically, it can be tough to make friends here…or so I’m told.
3. To dispel the myth to some of you know that the “connected” have always been connected. For most people, it’s simply taking a journey.

Much of what I say below may be common sense to many of you. But common sense isn’t so common nowadays, now is it? Feel free to forward this or even internalize it yourself.

1. Make a decision to no longer have excuses. (eg; too tired, no money, don’t know people at an event, etc…)
2. Follow up- 90% of people never follow up with others after an event.
3. Know that others are just as shy as you are. So take the lead on everything. Be a leader
4. Organize your own events or volunteer to be an assistant organizer for some social networking group
5. Use your preferred social networking site to stay in touch (eg; Facebook, Myspace)
6. Don’t burn bridges unless you absolutely have to.
7. Practice, practice, practice. Practice the art of conversation. Practice listening. Practice following up.
8. Show energy. The universe is energy. People are attracted to others who show energy.
9. Show initiative. Be the first to introduce yourself. Be the first to take the lead in a social setting.
10. Be consistent and persistent. Don’t worry if you didn’t make a new friend after 1 or 2 events. You have to keep doing it.
11. Be flexible. Certain types of events may not be for you. Be cognizant of that and attend events or outings that play to your strengths.
12. Be trusting. Nobody wants to befriend someone who can’t be trusted.
13. Learn to be funny. People like to feel good. That’s why we like hanging around people who are funny.
14. Reach out. Everyone has busy lives and sometimes you have to just pick up the phone and reach out to others. Every now and then I would just randomly call or email someone whom I haven’t heard from in 6 months. They almost always give me the time of day.
15. Have strong values. A friend once told me that my values is the ultimate filter and decides whom I let in or keep out of my personal network. I now understand what he means by this.
16. Understand that networking is a life long process. You can’t just do it for a couple of years and stop. People come and go in your lives and but you have to keep going.
17. Be optimistic. Nobody wants to be around a naysayer. Remember; like attracts like.
18. Be interesting. Have interesting hobbies. Develop interesting stories. People like to be around others who are interesting.
19. Connect. Once you have a robust network, start connecting and introducing people to each other. People like to be around others who are bridging relationships.
20. Give as much as you get. I don’t ask anything of another person that I myself cannot give to the relationship. Give as much as you get out of a relationship. In fact, give more than what you get.
21. Start with small talk, but finish with big talk. I hate small talk. I’m never good at it. But I can manage it to the point that I start talking more important things with that person. What’s big talk? My answer is anything that matters to that person. Dreams, adventures, and aspirations are common examples of big talk.
22. Be honest. For better or worse, I’m candid with most people. They may not always like what I have to say, but at least they have peace of mind knowing that if I have something to say to them, that I will say it to their face rather than be two-faced about it. Be honest and candid with others. Most of them will appreciate it.
23. Value loose relationships. Not everyone is going to be your next BFF. There is a lot of value in having loose relationships. These people may be able to provide your next job, make an introduction to your next significant other, or create value in other ways you haven’t thought of yet.
24. Be reliable. Nobody wants to be around someone who flakes out or doesn’t keep his or her word.
25. Be tolerant. Not everyone thinks like you or shares similar views. Learn to accept others as they are. Value the differences.
26. Be responsive. I do my best to respond to every email or phone call. If you have a habit of not getting back to people, you are essentially saying that you don’t value the other person’s presence. People will eventually notice and no longer reach out to you.
27. Say “Yes!” Jim Carey’s movie, “Yesman” taught a very valuable lesson- learn to say to be open to opportunities. Saying no too often means turning down opportunities. Not every opportunity will immediately reveal its benefits to you. Think of it as God’s way of testing to see how much faith you really have in the universe. Basically, be open-minded.
28. Give the benefit of the doubt. Most people mean well even if they don’t communicate it properly. I found the number one reason most conflicts occur in friendships or even romantic ones are those where one or both parties aren’t giving each other the benefit of the doubt. We all communicate differently. Learn to be understanding of the other person especially when they say something that may irk you. Most people mean well.
29. Get out of your comfort zone. It’s very tough to get out and meet complete strangers in any setting. But no one is ever gonna come to you. Realize that and keep going.
30. Picture them naked. That’s the saying they give to calm those speaking in front of a crowd. If you strip most people of their “superficial armor”, such as their clothes, how they look, and titles, you’ll find them to be just like you. They probably share the same dreams, aspirations, and goals like you.
31. One at a time. That’s one of my mantras. Like dating, I build my social network with one conversation at a time. One outing at a time. One person at a time.

Relationships are the currency that powers your personal economy. Use it wisely.

But any girl who gets angry and emotional and can then talk it out with the guy in question deserves alot of credit in my book. It takes a certain level of maturity to not just start talking about the issue but also try to understand the guy’s position as well.  Miscommunication occurs all the time between Mars and Venus. I think some women would rather just have it their way and want the guy to apologize just so she can feel better. The rationale being that if she’s upset, then she must be in the right. But we all know that isn’t true.

Point being? Give credit to any woman who is willing to talk it out rather than continue playing that passive aggressive silent treatment game. Give another point to her if she is willing to put her ego aside and take the time to understand your side of things. And give one more point if she’ll call you the next day to see if you want to hang out again despite the fact that there was a hiccup the night before.

In the American business marketplace today, we shouldn’t have to worry about being “great”, “remarkable”, or other terms that gurus have coined throughout the years. Instead, we should focus on just being “good enough.”

Just focus on being good enough… for now. Be good enough to land a client. Make sure your systems are good enough. Make sure that your methodologies are good enough. Ensure that how you present yourself is good enough. Not great, not perfect, but just good enough.

Being good enough will help you get moving. In time, you will achieve greatness. We all have the potential to go from “good to great”. However, greatness started with just being good enough.

Being good enough frees you from undue pressure that you put on yourself. Once you reached a threshold of being good enough and avoid chasing perfection for that discpline, then that is time you’ve saved that can be applied elsewhere. You start taking that time you’ve saved and “funding” other discplines that require your time to be good enough.

You now start developing a portfolio of disciplines that are good enough to be used to win over clients and customers. You continue to win customers which in turns creates momentum which in turn allows you to bankroll more discplines and initiatives. This gets the ball rolling. And that’s really what you need– to get the ball rolling.