I just lost a prospective client because I was too honest. The guy was on a deadline and needed a site up in less than the time I quoted. Apparently, he found another vendor who could meet this deadline. I know that’s not possible because I have done this for too long to not know otherwise. I know the other vendor isn’t disclosing the entire truth.

This situation frustrated me so much and has forced me to reassess the value behind the trait, honesty.

I’m reminded of a situation a few months ago where I asked a girl out and how she responded. She said that she didn’t have an interest in going out with me because she had her own personal issues to deal with and wasn’t in the mood to be sociable. It was a very quirky response and one that I’m not used to. Most women just ignore a guy and hope he goes away. She did the opposite- she confronted reality and answered truthfully.

If you thought I was interested before, I was even more interested now. I found her even more attractive after her response. Now before you go on and say that this is one of those situations where a guy just wants a girl more because he values the chase, it’s not. I don’t like chasing girls because it never goes anywhere.

I realize I know so little of her and it’s possible that it may never have gone anywhere to begin with. Regardless, the fact that she was honest with me made me more attracted to her. Why? For a few reasons:

1. She exhibited a quality that few people could possess in a situation such as this. Remember, most women would ignore a guy because they don’t want the confrontation.
2. She showed alot of maturity and tact in how she articulated her response
3. She trusted me enough to believe I had enough of my own maturity to handle it.

I was able to process all of this intuitively and came to the conclusion of my attraction (and respect) for her just increased because the above is so rare to experience.

Honesty is the foundation to any type of relationship be it professionally, socially, or romantically. It’s what we yearn for but most of us either don’t exude it or won’t embrace it.

Someone told me that I should be grateful that I didn’t land that client because he would never value me and my services. And more importantly, it wouldn’t be a great relationship between the two of us since he only wanted to hear what he wants to hear. The guy never even gave me a chance to explain and he just went elsewhere assuming that I couldn’t match the competition.

When someone is honest and candid with me in an exceptional way, I value it so much and I find that my respect for that person just increases. I do everything I can to try to reciprocate. Of course until they do something boneheaded to ruin everything.

This sounds silly but one of my personal resolutions for 2010 was to be less honest. If you only knew some of the clients, acquaintances, and friends I’ve lost because of one simple honest remark. This forced me to reevaluate this possible character flaw in me. That was how much of a flaw I consider it because it hurt me to the core and impacted me in unfortunate ways. I’m still evaluating and tweaking as we speak.

So because of my own personal and professional loss, I know just how rare this one quality is. I deal with too many people on a weekly basis and am forced to make quick judgments to aid my decision making process. Do I want to do business with them? Is this someone I want to spend time being friends with? Is she someone I would want to be involved with romantically? Do I want to introduce this person to others? I have to do my best to mitigate being hurt and dissapointed. I know when someone holds back. I know when someone isn’t disclosing the entire truth. I know when they’re lying and their voice and body language reinforces it.

Honesty is what nourishes all healthy relationships regardless of context. The absence of it means a relationship, or the opportunity to have one, will soon wither away.

Keith Ferrazi wrote and devoted an entire chapter to the art of honesty and candor in his book, Whose Got Your Back. Pick it up. I guarantee it’ll change your perception of honesty.

Last night at my birthday dinner, I performed a simple exercise to show appreciation for a cast of characters that I call friends. Most birthday parties are usually about making the birthday person the center of attention. I wanted to do the opposite and for a few minutes, make each person the center of attention instead. But more importantly, I wanted to get a point across.

I had thank you cards being distributed to each friend. Before the dinner, I had written several qualities or a compliment on each card that I had of each friend in attendance. I then shuffled the cards and made sure that each person would be handed a card that wasn’t addressed to that person. I would then have them go around the table and read the card they were handed out loud. Everyone had to guess who the content of the card was addressing. It was fun seeing everyone trying to figure out who I was saying nice things about on each card. Of course, I realized how bad some of my friends’ power of deduction is as well. But I won’t name names.

People were genuinely impressed that I would take the time to do this on a day that was reserved for me. You may, as they did, wonder why would I do this? Because I’m a nice guy? Because I was trying to be creative? Well, not really.

You see, I had given a lot of thought as to what I had accomplished for my 30th year. As I previously said, my 30th year was my best year. I accomplished many a things that were important to me personally and professionally. And there is much more that I have not accomplished yet.

But it is also with sadness, that I look back at my 30th and realized that I lost several friends who are no longer around. I accept some of the responsibility for that. But as I always say, any relationship is a two-way street and personal responsibility must always be shared.

I realized that I should no longer focus on those that are no longer around. Instead, I should focus on some of the newer and stronger friendships that I had built and had shown up last night.

I suppose that’s one of my greatest strengths that I had come to realize of myself. It’s not so much that I have strong relationship management and networking skills but it is that I am never satisfied. I am always interested in meeting new people and developing new relationships of all kinds. I am always in search of the new cast of characters.

Which leads me to the point that I wanted to get across last night in my speech. Most people don’t know what it is about me that makes me tick.  I can’t say I blame them. But if you understand the following point, then you’ll understand me to the core. You’ll understand my values. You’ll understand where I put my priorities. You’ll understand why I do everything that I do.

So while I did receive gifts last night, I also wanted to give the best gift that I know how to give- the gift of public acknowledgement and validation. That I cannot be where I am today without the friends I have made along the way. And I choose to acknowledge them publicly so that others may see the value they bring to my life.

How I value a friend is no different than I how I would value my girlfriend. I never believed in hiding my affection for someone or to keep it “just between us.” An amazing woman who embodies so many wonderful traits such as intelligence, ambition, humor, kindheartedness and more, should never be kept a secret. Why wouldn’t I want to let the world know about her?

But it doesn’t matter if it is a personal friendship, a professional relationship, or a romantic one. I would still want the world to know about you because of the value that I see in you. And that is how I choose to let others know; by spreading the word about you. I am your evangelist. That evangelism comes in the modern day role of “the connector.” It shows when I speak praise of you. It shows when I want to introduce you to another person. It shows when I invite you to something. It shows when I try to connect you to something or someone else.

Two years ago, I made a decision that my life would be lived as one big story. Because like any story, there is always a new chapter to be written, new sets of travels, and new cast of characters to meet along the way.

So on my 31st, I raise my glass and I make a toast; I look forward to the year ahead. This will likely be my most challenging year. Due to the goals and dreams that I want to achieve, I have no doubts that there will be some heartache, heartbreak, and setbacks along the way. No doubt. But this is the life that I have chosen for myself. This is the road that I decided to travel two years ago. So I hope some of you will join me for the travels ahead. I hope that I can be there for you as you would be there for me.

Let’s do this. Cheers.

I get invitations from people wanting to connect with me on Facebook, LinkedIN, and elsewhere all the time. I get social and professional invites out the wazoo. As a business owner, my time is limited and my patience even more so. I’ve seen a lot of bad follow-ups and invitations. In fact, I would guess that about 75% or more of the request to connect are poor and not very effective. There is room for improvement.

I want to show you how I use various social networking websites to follow up with people. Because there are various social networking sites and various intentions to follow up (usually on either a social or professional basis), I am going to limit this example to using LinkedIn to follow up with business professionals you just met or have been in contact with.

Before I show my example, I am going to show 2 examples that others typically use;

First, there is the standard cookie cutter invitation that people use from LinkedIn;

I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

If I already know you, then I’ll just accept.

But there is no customization. There is no uniqueness in the approach. It’s almost like trying to court a girl- you have to show some uniqueness in your approach for her so that she may consider you. Consider this as sort of “business dating.” The above is fine if both sides know each other. But if you just met this person and wish to keep in touch, then something more customized is called for. You want to make an impression from all the other “courters.”

Then there is the somewhat customized version that I’ll get from time to time. It will look something like this;

“Hi Dean- it was great meeting you at XYZ Business event. I want to keep in touch with you. Thanks!”

Sometimes the invitation is a couple sentences or a couple of paragraphs. But the gist of the message is the above.

I give the individual above credit for just reaching out and following up. The majority of people will not even follow up. However, there is so much room for improvement in that invitation. Let’s use one of my invitation templates to compares the differences between the approach.

Here is one template that I use;

Hi John- I just wanted to follow up from XYZ Business function a few days ago.

I like to use LinkedIn as a way to keep in touch after the event is over. Even if there isn’t an immediate need for each of us to do business now or refer business in a reciprocal manner, it doesn’t mean that the opportunity won’t arise in the future. Networking is very serendipitous. No point in collecting business cards as a hobby

By the way, I know alot of professionals don’t know how to leverage LinkedIn effectively, so I compiled a list of links that can help you use it effectively. Here is the link; http://sachistudio.com/blog/2008/07/01/linkedin-resources/
————–
-Dean Hua | 301-538-DEAN
Sachi Studio | http://sachistudio.com
Web and Blog Design. Online Marketing Strategies. “Leverage The Web. Effectively.”

Let’s dissect this approach and show what I did to make this more effective. I am going to explain the pyschology and nuance behind every sentence that I use.

1. I listed the name of the business function that I met them at. Don’t assume that they’ll know where you met them. Here in Washington DC, there is a networking event every day for any vertical and industry. I know professionals who attend several events a week. You’d think they were being paid to attend networking events. People forget names and conversations all the time. Make it easier for them to recall who you are in seconds. Don’t make people think too hard.
2. “I like to use LinkedIn as a way to keep in touch after the event is over.” I state this so that they know that I take the platform seriously enough to invite them. I don’t want them to think that I just want to add them for the sake of adding them. For those who’ve been around LinkedIn long enough, you know there folks who have thousands of connections and just add people for the sake of it. I state that I value them as a person and not just as another number and really do want to keep in touch.
3. “Even if there isn’t an immediate need for each of us to do business or refer business in a reciprocal manner, it doesn’t mean that the opportunity won’t arise in the future.” There are many subtleties to this sentence that only a true veteran of this contact sport will understand. But I state this because I want them to know that I took the time to recognize that there is no immediate value between the two of us. You’d be surprised as to how many people won’t see immediate value but still shove their services down another person’s throat. There is no bigger turnoff than professionals who are oblivious to the business world around them. And even though, there is no immediate value, I still want to connect with them. None of us like it when professionals we haven’t heard from in years comes asking us for a favor. I am stating that I know there is inherit value in them but it may take months or years for me to truly discover that value. But if and when that time comes for us to add value to each other, then I want to be ready.
4. “Networking is very serendipitous. No point in collecting business cards as a hobby “ Anyone who’s been around the block knows this by now. We know that just keeping in touch and staying top of mind, good things will happen to us. I inject a little humor into this as well. While meant to bring a smile to the individual, it also shows where my priorities and values are. I don’t believe in collecting business cards for the sake of collecting business cards. That unto itself feels like a hobby with the majority of professionals out there. It shows that I am serious about follow up. Ask any professional who network constantly and they’ll tell you that at least 80% of people they meet, will never follow up with them. We all know how the Japanese receive and accept a business card. They truly show that they value the professional and the value that he brings by their gesture of acceptance. By my connecting and my words, I attempt to show the same core values that the Japanese show.
5. “By the way, I know alot of professionals don’t know how to leverage LinkedIn effectively, so I compiled a list of links that can help you use it effectively. Here is the link;” This is what I refer to as “value-added connecting.” Before you can receive value from others, you have to first show it to them. I know many people who don’t know how to use the platform properly, so I give them a link to my business blog, which has a lot of resources for them to glean over and learn from. I have had people read over the blog entry and thank me for taking the time to be of help to them. Be of help to others before asking for it yourself.
6. Tagline- Don’t take this for granted. Again, a lot of people forget who you are and what you do. I simply inserted my company address, tagline, and url as a convenient reminder.

As you can see, there is a world of difference between what I have and “Hey Dean- Nice meeting you. Let’s connect.”

This invitation is effective and more productive for several reasons;

1. I state my intentions. People don’t have time to read between the lines. Guys- ever try reading the lines with women? It’s a pain in the ass, isn’t it? Try not to make people think too hard. Be upfront with your intentions. Don’t force people to read between the lines.
2. I make it personal. Don’t treat them like another number. I treat them like a person and not just another contact.
3. Be succinct. My message is only 2 paragraphs long. Don’t go on and on and on about this and that. People don’t have time.

I have a couple of other templates that I use for very specific situations but the above is the basic gist of it. I have others that state more immediate business needs and how we can get together. I’ve done this long enough that I have anticipated most typical scenarios after an encounter.

I also have a very loose template for Facebook as well. Facebook is a bit more complex due to the hybrid of both professional and personal networking that occurs here. But a solid template can be used for it as well. If I find the time, I might write up an entry on that as well.

We spend a lot of time and money to attend events and meeting people. Talk to those closest to me and they’ll tell you that it drives me up the wall to see people spend so much time meeting people but never following up. And even when they follow up, the approach is not very effective. Follow up and follow through.

It’s not enough to just collect contact information. You have to learn to connect properly as well. Collect and connect.

You are welcome to use the template that I have above. I’d love to see yours if you have one. As a small gesture of appreciation, I would only ask that you give your connections a link to the blog entry of LinkedIn resources that I listed. It’s not necessary and I won’t hold anyone to it. But if you link to it, just say that your friend and colleague, Dean, wrote up a list of resources that might help them. I’d appreciate the link love. And they’ll appreciate you for adding value to them.

So we good? Great. Now get out there and collect then connect…effectively, that is.