She was so frustrated and sad as she no longer had control of the situation. The guy needed time off to think about things. She wanted to stay “connected” with him and try to fix things. He wanted to fix her to some degree.

All I could do is really just listen. I had my own set of advice I could give but in these instances, I think most people already know what they need to do.

When it came for advice, I said the following to her; “You can never fix or help people. Control is merely an illusion. Whatever control you think you have or want to get back (cuz he walked away from her and she probably wished she reversed it), don’t bother.Consider this time off as a blessing. Use this time to better and improve yourself.  That is all that you can do.”

Most people don’t change. They lack self-awareness to know what’s wrong with them. That’s partly the reason why most people have no business getting married. They’re too flawed. Marriage is a long term endeavor and requires people willing to commit to constant self improvement. Not only can most people not be able to commit to each other, they can’t commit to themselves.

Deep down inside, I know she knows what her flaws are and her guy had pointed them out to her. So much so, that it started to lower her self-esteem. I do see the same flaws in her that he does. But when she starts to feel bad, then one of two things need to happen;

1. She has to shape up and take his advice and fix herself
2. Or both need to go their separate ways

Use the time that you have when you’re single to constantly improve yourself. Become Mr or Miss Right yourself. Only then will Mr or Ms Right come into your life.

Don’t ever expect to fix people. You can’t fix them. You can only fix yourself.

I was on this date with Karen over the summer. It was our third date and I thought I’d surprise her with a picnic. It was beautiful weather and we sat there lounging for several hours just talking and canoodling like little kids.

Somehow, the conversation turned to dating and men. Not sure how considering the amount of canoodling going on. What can I say, she was a great kisser. But anyway, I started talking about the three types of guys that I thought you would most likely find in the dating world. At least in the context of taking charge and being a leader.  What can I say, after spending several hours with me, it was only natural that I start to pontificate. But I think she was mildy entertained by my pontifications.  Because really, how many other guys can get away with this level of thinking on a third date, no less?

Here are the three types of men in the context of leadership in a romantic capacity:

Natural Leader- This guy always knows when to take charge and lead a woman. He’s just a natural at it. He comes off as suave and charismatic. There are only so many of them out there. It’s hard to quantify, but there are only so many of this type.

Learned Leader- This guy has potential. He’s not a natural born leader, but he isn’t the next category either. He has certain innate traits and with time and patience, he can become a natural leader. Sometimes, he comes off as a bit rough on the edges and other times, he can be smooth. In a relationship capacity, he can lead but also knows when to be lead by his woman.

Follower- He’ll never be a leader. He’s always used to following. This can mean disaster in a relationship context because he’ll never know when to “man up”, as they say. It’s the woman who will always wear the pants and that ain’t good.

As I continued my diatribe with Karen, I started talking about the importance of conveying leadership in a relationship context. At least, I think I did. Either that, or we started canoodling again. But just in case I didn’t, here is how I would’ve expanded the topic:

It’s important for men to know how and when to lead their woman. That’s one of the qualities that women want when they say they want a man and not a boy. It’s attractive. Though, the feminist movement started more than 30 years ago, this  is still considered a short time span in the evolution of women. Unlike men, women aren’t necessarily given the same opportunities to be in positions of leadership from the beginning. They often have to fight for it. Because of this handicap, women are still used to wanting their man to lead. It’s this whole nature versus nurture thing, ya know.

With leadership, can come many permutations of what can happen next depending on the personality of the woman. Is she an alpha female? Because that can make it tough for any guy to lead. Is she docile to a fault? Because you don’t always want a blind follower.  Does she not know how to follow? Because you can’t lead if she can’t follow. Or is she just right? That depends on the dynamics of your relationship with each other.

Point being? While it’s okay to ask for a man to know how to lead, a woman must also know when to be lead and when to lead herself. I think this is where they call it a partnership, ya know.

So what are some ways a man can learn to lead? Here are a few ways:

• Take the initiative in asking her out and show some flare in the process.
• Be the first to kiss her without being timid
• Don’t ask her where she wants to go. Or at least, don’t give her a gazillion options. I prefer to give two at most. Alot of women still find it attractive to “taken out”.
• Be vocal and steadfast in your beliefs even if she fights you to death on it (Yeah, I know, that can be tough with some women and they test you like crazy)
• Learn to listen to her. Decisions still need to be made and you could be right, but at least listen
• Paint a picture of the future. Where are we gonna be in 1, 5, 10 years down the road? Like the bible says, “Without vision, the people will perish.”

Ultimately, a leader in a romantic context is no different than that in a business context. Most effective leaders are:

• Good listeners
• Take charge
• Charismatic
• Command respect
• Assertive
• Confident
• Accepts personal responsibility
• Inspires his followers
• Visionary

Are you a leader?

• Is she a giver or taker?
• Are her actions are in alignment with her words?
• Challenging or difficult?
• Flexible or hardheaded?
• Easy going or high-maintenance.
• Is she emotionally stable or moody?
• Seeking to understand or seeking to be understood?

Nothing could be more true in the world of dating. The proliferation of media and how it represents love, sex, and dating today, contributes to what many us know about dating. Or so we think. But too much exposure to another episode of Sex and The City or Gossip Girl, can hinder what is already a difficult process. Yes folks, watching too much of this, or reading too much of that, or hearing too much of anything in relation to dating can hurt us.

Ask people in Europe or overseas, and they’ll tell you that they are no where as clued in with some of the social dating moires that occurs here in the United States.  Concepts such as the 2 day rule, never paying for XX number of dates, and tons of other concepts that many of us know.

Knowing too much of this stuff isn’t good for any single person. The problem with most of these concepts is that they are not universal and doesn’t apply to every person and every date. Each date is like a snowflake- unique. There are way too many women (and men) who pigeonhole their date into some particular concept that they saw off of a tv show or romance novel.

Stop it.

Seriously. It’s only to get you into trouble and you’ll end up alone.

We rely on these concepts as a crutch to help us make our way through the unfamiliarity that each person brings to the table. But the danger lies in us simplifying it so much that it really doesn’t apply to the person at all.

Stop the pigeonholing. Stop the predicting. Stop trying to read between all the lines. It’s going to get you nowhere fast. Just stop it.

It’s not just a matter of what you know. Don’t take what you think you know and then assume so many things out of one person.  Focus on the fact that there are so many things that you don’t know. And start trying to understand the other person.