Why Honesty Is An Attractive Quality

Posted on | July 29, 2010 | 4 Comments

I’m starting to realize that honesty is a quality that so few people don’t have or don’t embrace.

I just lost a prospective client because I was too honest. The guy was on a deadline and needed a site up in less than the time I quoted. Apparently, he found another vendor who could meet this deadline. I know that’s not possible because I have done this for too long to not know otherwise. I know the other vendor isn’t disclosing the entire truth.

This situation frustrated me so much and has forced me to reassess the value behind the trait, honesty.

I’m reminded of a situation a few months ago where I asked a girl out and how she responded. She said that she didn’t have an interest in going out with me because she had her own personal issues to deal with and wasn’t in the mood to be sociable. It was a very quirky response and one that I’m not used to. Most women just ignore a guy and hope he goes away. She did the opposite- she confronted reality and answered truthfully.

If you thought I was interested before, I was even more interested now. I found her even more attractive after her response. Now before you go on and say that this is one of those situations where a guy just wants a girl more because he values the chase, it’s not. I don’t like chasing girls because it never goes anywhere.

I realize I know so little of her and it’s possible that it may never have gone anywhere to begin with. Regardless, the fact that she was honest with me made me more attracted to her. Why? For a few reasons:

She exhibited a quality that few people could possess in a situation such as this. Remember, most women would ignore a guy because they don’t want the confrontation.
She showed alot of maturity and tact in how she articulated her response
She trusted me enough to believe I had enough of my own maturity to handle it.

I was able to process all of this intuitively and came to the conclusion of my attraction (and respect) for her just increased because the above is so rare to experience.

Honesty is the foundation to any type of relationship be it professionally, socially, or romantically. It’s what we yearn for but most of us either don’t exude it or won’t embrace it.

Someone told me that I should be grateful that I didn’t land that client because he would never value me and my services. And more importantly, it wouldn’t be a great relationship between the two of us since he only wanted to hear what he wants to hear. The guy never even gave me a chance to explain and he just went elsewhere assuming that I couldn’t match the competition.

When someone is honest and candid with me in an exceptional way, I value it so much and I find that my respect for that person just increases. I do everything I can to try to reciprocate. Of course until they do something boneheaded to ruin everything.

This sounds silly but one of my personal resolutions for 2010 was to be less honest. If you only knew some of the clients, acquaintances, and friends I’ve lost because of one simple honest remark. This forced me to reevaluate this possible character flaw in me. That was how much of a flaw I consider it because it hurt me to the core and impacted me in unfortunate ways. I’m still evaluating and tweaking as we speak.

So because of my own personal and professional loss, I know just how rare this one quality is. I deal with too many people on a weekly basis and am forced to make quick judgments to aid my decision making process. Do I want to do business with them? Is this someone I want to spend time being friends with? Is she someone I would want to be involved with romantically? Do I want to introduce this person to others? I have to do my best to mitigate being hurt and dissapointed. I know when someone holds back. I know when someone isn’t disclosing the entire truth. I know when they’re lying and their voice and body language reinforces it.

Honesty is what nourishes all healthy relationships regardless of context. The absence of it means a relationship, or the opportunity to have one, will soon wither away.

Keith Ferrazi wrote and devoted an entire chapter to the art of honesty and candor in his book, Whose Got Your Back. Pick it up. I guarantee it’ll change your perception of honesty.

Category: Personal, Professional, Relationships

Comments

4 Responses to “Why Honesty Is An Attractive Quality”

Steve Dorfman
July 30th, 2010 @ 7:28 am

Dean, I’ve found that practicing no-exceptions honesty requires faith. To be known/regarded as an honest person — one of integrity — is one of the highest honors. Even if you lost that one client, the related rewards are far greater … if not now, then further down the line.

Here’s a local expert/speaker/author on honesty:
http://stevengaffney.com/
Leesa Barnes
July 30th, 2010 @ 12:40 pm

I love this post, Deanie.

I recently did a launch and invited people to call me directly with their questions. I got about 11 calls and of them, I told 4 people that my product isn’t good for them.

To some, I turned away 4 sales. To me, I just couldn’t consciously take their money knowing that they had some work to do. My product just couldn’t help them.

I also believe in energy. The confusion these 4 individuals are feeling would’ve entered my funnel. The money I would’ve gotten from them would create an imbalance in my income. I just couldn’t taint my income knowing that I didn’t advise these 4 individuals on the right path to take.

Did my honesty make my business more attractive to these 4 individuals? Will they continue to “chase” me? Who knows. But as Steve said, faith is key. And I have A LOT of that. Turning away 4 sales now will result in abundance later. I’m happy with my decision.
JC Duarte
July 31st, 2010 @ 3:54 am

@Dean;

In your business example I believe it’s more an issue of integrity instead of honesty. I believe that you can compromise honesty as long as you limit that compromise to stay within the boundaries of the level of integrity or core values that you’ve set as a standard to hold yourself accountable to. I have been faced with situations, both professional & personal where honesty would do more harm than good, and in those situations I’ve been “gray” in my honesty.. but kept it to within the limits of not violating what I would deem integrity for myself.

In the personal example you’ve given, without knowing the person, I would have to assume that there also is an example of integrity. It sounds as if she values relationships, and in doing so also values her relationship with herself. She may not have wanted to bring any further confusion or “hurt” into her life, or those who surround her.

Anyway, good luck on your journey & thanks for sharing your thoughts & experiences.

Warm hug!
JC
Mitch
August 5th, 2010 @ 8:42 am

Dean, being honest has to be the way to go because invariably it has a way of coming back on you and then you have more than one issue to deal with. I’ve given up projects by telling someone I wasn’t really qualified to do the project.

At the same time there are levels of honesty that don’t have to be crossed. I have given up projects because I knew it would be a pain to work with that person, but I figured it would do neither of us any good if I said that, so I would just say I wasn’t available to work on it, which is true, but not the brutal truth. To me, discretion is always a good thing unless someone needs a serious wake up call.