Dating, Men, and Leadership.

Posted on | November 10, 2009 | No Comments

I still remember the conversation like it happened yesterday.

I was on this date with Karen over the summer. It was our third date and I thought I’d surprise her with a picnic. It was beautiful weather and we sat there lounging for several hours just talking and canoodling like little kids.

Somehow, the conversation turned to dating and men. Not sure how considering the amount of canoodling going on. What can I say, she was a great kisser. But anyway, I started talking about the three types of guys that I thought you would most likely find in the dating world. At least in the context of taking charge and being a leader. What can I say, after spending several hours with me, it was only natural that I start to pontificate. But I think she was mildy entertained by my pontifications. Because really, how many other guys can get away with this level of thinking on a third date, no less?

Here are the three types of men in the context of leadership in a romantic capacity:

Natural Leader- This guy always knows when to take charge and lead a woman. He’s just a natural at it. He comes off as suave and charismatic. There are only so many of them out there. It’s hard to quantify, but there are only so many of this type.

Learned Leader- This guy has potential. He’s not a natural born leader, but he isn’t the next category either. He has certain innate traits and with time and patience, he can become a natural leader. Sometimes, he comes off as a bit rough on the edges and other times, he can be smooth. In a relationship capacity, he can lead but also knows when to be lead by his woman.

Follower- He’ll never be a leader. He’s always used to following. This can mean disaster in a relationship context because he’ll never know when to “man up”, as they say. It’s the woman who will always wear the pants and that ain’t good.

As I continued my diatribe with Karen, I started talking about the importance of conveying leadership in a relationship context. At least, I think I did. Either that, or we started canoodling again. But just in case I didn’t, here is how I would’ve expanded the topic:

It’s important for men to know how and when to lead their woman. That’s one of the qualities that women want when they say they want a man and not a boy. It’s attractive. Though, the feminist movement started more than 30 years ago, this is still considered a short time span in the evolution of women. Unlike men, women aren’t necessarily given the same opportunities to be in positions of leadership from the beginning. They often have to fight for it. Because of this handicap, women are still used to wanting their man to lead. It’s this whole nature versus nurture thing, ya know.

With leadership, can come many permutations of what can happen next depending on the personality of the woman. Is she an alpha female? Because that can make it tough for any guy to lead. Is she docile to a fault? Because you don’t always want a blind follower. Does she not know how to follow? Because you can’t lead if she can’t follow. Or is she just right? That depends on the dynamics of your relationship with each other.

Point being? While it’s okay to ask for a man to know how to lead, a woman must also know when to be lead and when to lead herself. I think this is where they call it a partnership, ya know.

So what are some ways a man can learn to lead? Here are a few ways:

Take the initiative in asking her out and show some flare in the process.
Be the first to kiss her without being timid
Don’t ask her where she wants to go. Or at least, don’t give her a gazillion options. I prefer to give two at most. Alot of women still find it attractive to “taken out”.
Be vocal and steadfast in your beliefs even if she fights you to death on it (Yeah, I know, that can be tough with some women and they test you like crazy)
Learn to listen to her. Decisions still need to be made and you could be right, but at least listen
Paint a picture of the future. Where are we gonna be in 1, 5, 10 years down the road? Like the bible says, “Without vision, the people will perish.”

Ultimately, a leader in a romantic context is no different than that in a business context. Most effective leaders are: