An Open Letter To Women (and Men) On Courtesy and Dating.

Posted on | May 5, 2009 | 3 Comments

The following is an email letter I wrote to a girl who didn’t have the courage to say ‘no’ to me when I asked her for a follow-up date. It’s self-explanatory. I publish this because I would hope it gives food for thought for both men and women in how you treat others. Not just in dating, but in life.

My real message is in the last four paragraphs where I talk about how our interactions with others are the most important experiences in our lives and how it shapes us going forward, especially in love and romance.

“When faced with making a tough decision, that is actually the Universe giving you an opportunity to prove your character.” ~Dean

————————–

Dear Sharon-
It took me awhile to figure this out but now I know why I was so bothered by something on your part. Let me explain;

It just bothered me that I would follow up twice with you to get together (for us to meet on a Friday only and then for a Sunday). And you would say you’d get back to me upon checking your schedule. And then on both times, you never got back to me and I was left with a wasted weekend. Obviously, you never had any interests in going out again. And that’s fine.

I know this may not have dawned on you, but when you say that you’ll get back to me, the other person is actually waiting and has to put other possible plans on hold for that weekend. That person is actually believing in you keeping your word. Of course, it makes no sense for me to schedule something with friends for either of those days if I’m waiting on someone else to get back to me. My time and whom I spend it with is very valuable to me. That’ s time I can’t get back. I’m sure you understand this as you are a very busy person as well.

So when I don’t hear back from someone, it becomes a bit disappointing. I’ve been around long enough to see that most women never know how to say ‘no’ to a guy. Perhaps it’s that you don’t want to hurt a person’s feelings. But ignoring someone and wasting their time is never a good option either. In fact, when you shook my hand in the car and said ‘yes’ to wanting to out again, I took that as a sign of strong character- someone who can keep her word. It made me believe you did have some interest and I should start planning the next date. How exciting, right?

I wanted to write this to you. Not so much because I’m angry. I’m not. Or that I’m hurt. I’m not. Though, I am dissapointed not because we didn’t get together again, but because I believed someone (even if it’s a total stranger) and she ended up lying to me. Perhaps you have a dozen reasons as to why you didn’t get back. I’ve probably heard them all at some point in my life.

But I’m writing this to you to let you know that it’s not acceptable. I just thought you should know. I’m not looking for an apology nor anything else from you. I’m simply writing this to you in hopes that the next time you meet another guy, that you don’t do this to him. At the end of the day, we all have feelings and want the same things in life. It’s okay if I’m not your type or vice versa. I would’ve been perfectly happy with the possibility of a friendship if it came to that point. I’m a big boy and I’ve had worse things in my life than a girl canceling on me. So I’m not writing to this to receive sympathy from you. I’m writing this letter to get across the following message;

It’s very hard to find someone in this world that you can connect and enjoy your time with. But it’s just as hard to make friends and develop meaningful connections with friends, clients, strangers, and everything in between. I believe the most important experience that most of us can have in life, is our daily interactions with new people. Traveling and going on adventures are great experiences as well, but I also relish the time I have with people- strangers and friends.

Such was the case that I had with you for 2 hours. When it comes to dating, many adults become cynical because of all the bad experiences they’ve had prior.

I can’t promise to be “the one” for every girl I meet. But I know I will try my hardest to make sure I giver her an enjoyable experience even if we don’t ever see each other again. This includes keeping my word, showing up on time, being conversational, showing interest, and many other common sense behaviors. I would never want to add to the cyniscm of another person’s worldview especially about love and romance. Most of us have it tough as it is. There’s no point in making it tougher for anyone. If “hurt and dissapointment” was a form of currency, then we’d all be very rich right now.

So the next time that a guy asks you out and your’e not interested, think about how you intend to respond to that person. Think about whether or not your behavior to that person will either make him more cynical or more positive going forward. This applies not only in dating, but in life.

I wish you the best of luck in anything that you do.

Category: Personal, Uncategorized

Comments

3 Responses to “An Open Letter To Women (and Men) On Courtesy and Dating.”

FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com
May 11th, 2009 @ 3:40 pm

Well said. It’s why I don’t beat around the bush, but am surprised that people find me blunt/harsh only because I just tell the truth (diplomatically of course, but I tell the truth in the end).

No sense in leading someone on.
H. Dean
May 11th, 2009 @ 10:15 pm

Ditto FB. Regarding truth and honesty, I have this to share;

I was tweeted by a female who said that my post could be perceived as obsessed/creepy. Quite frankly, I’m not surprised to get that response from the opposite sex. Though, quite frankly, I don’t see what is considered obsessive about my post other than the fact that I took the time to eloquently (in my opinion) to articulate my thoughts and concerns…even if it was a long email.

Moreover, it bothers me that some women would say such things. It’s comments like that that prevents many women from wanting the 2 things they want out of a guy- communication and honesty. Comments like that stigmatizes many men because no man wants to be perceived as a stalker or a lunatic. So we’re left with no voice and left to hide in our corner of the world.

That’s why I hesitated to write this to begin with but I’m pretty secure with who I am as a person. But I know there are plenty of guys (and girls) who probably feel how I felt. When you label us, you negate us.
Lindsay C.
June 6th, 2009 @ 1:16 pm

Hey, Dean, Just stumbled upon your site tonight. I think I can speak from both sides of the table at this point, because I think you and I have had some conversations in the past where we both see eye to eye.

I think that the reason girls think it’s “obsessive/creepy” is that they EXPECT guys to be jaded by dating. If a girl says she’ll get back to you, they expect you to make other plans. It’s sad that it’s gotten to this point.

With that being said, I also can identify very strongly with the girl you’re speaking of–I used to be the same way. I couldn’t say no. I’m still not great at it, but I’m at least better at it now. Keep this in mind: it’s her PROBLEM. If you get the sense that she’s a nice girl, don’t think it’s a lack of respect as much as the fact that she really doesn’t know how to deal with people not liking her, or more specifically, being in agreement with her.

However, I believe that hearing feedback from the other person’s point of view is absolutely essential in changing your behavior.

Speaking from the other end of the table now, I’ve also had this happen to me many times. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very jaded now. I think it’s helped me, in the sense that I’m not actually expecting anything anymore. Am I more personally satisfied? Yeah, totally. Couldn’t be happier, really. I’m still not in a relationship, but whatever!